Songs from The Smell of Reeves & Mortimer Series 2 introductions

Cottage Cheese

There’s a type of cheese you don’t need a grater,
you keep it in your refridgerator,
it’s not really a cheese, it’s a residue,
ah, but a residue that’s good for you.

Cottage cheese, cottage cheese,
try it once and then you’ll agree,
that cottage cheese, cottage cheese,
is the only cheese guaranteed to please.

I think it’s the only cheese that lives in the tub.
What about Dairylea? Yes, right enough.
But I think it’s the only cheese that’s pure and white.
What about Wensleydale?
Yes, or Cheddarie Light.
That’s right.

Cottage cheese, cottage cheese,
try it once and then you’ll agree,
that cottage cheese, cottage cheese,
is the only cheese guaranteed to please.

Cottage cheese is normally associated with crackers,
or the centrepiece to a delicious crisp salad!
That’s right Vic! But, there’s a more sinister side.
Here’s Vic to tell you about it.

VOODOO!

Cottage cheese, cottage cheese,
Try it once and then you’ll agree,
that cottage cheese, cottage cheese,
is the only cheese guaranteed to please.

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Footloose with owls

Foot loose, foot loose, put on the sunday roast,
please, Louise, pull my up from my knees,
Jack, get back, come home before we crack,
come home before we crack,
lose your blues every cut footloose.

instrumental/owl solo

everybody cuts, everybody cuts,
everybody cuts, everybody cuts,
everybody, everybody cuts footloose.

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Justice, Freedom

Justice! Freedom!
We need to get our hair cut and time is getting tight,
we’re up in court this morning, and we’ve gotta look just right,
we up for spreading rumours that the Pope is getting thin,
we’re gonna plead not guilty but our brief says we can win.

Justice and freedom!

We need hair cuts baby, hair cuts at the speed of light,
trimmed snipped and blowdried maybe we will win the fight.

For justice, freedom!

Six minutes later my bun is nice and tight,
if the judge has any taste I’m gonna be all right,
two hours later were banged up in our cell,
how could this happened, our buns were looking swell.

We want justice! Flippin’ freedom!

We had our haircuts, baby, haircuts at the speed of light,
how could happened, these buns were really outa sight.
They were bright,
and almost tight,
they were right,
almost white,
like a pint.

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Middle Class

Oh how I wish I was middle class,
with me own leather briefcase and whistling in tune,
I’d learn how to eat, and how to clean me teeth,
oh what a life that would be.

Oh how I wish I was working class,
living in a dustbin and gnawing on bones,
I’d drink from the drains, sing moronic refrains,
oh what a life that would be.

Was you dreaming guvnor?
Yes.
Me too!

Dreaming of a life, a place I’ve never been,
dreaming what it might be like to play for the other team,
the grass is always greener,
the sinks are always cleaner,
when you’re on the other side.

’Ere, guvnor
What?
Why don’t we switch titfers and make our dreams come true?
What, I wear yours and vice versa?
That’t it!
That’s fantastic!
But it might just work…

- Instrumental -

Honestly…
Thanks guvnor, you saved my life.
Yes.
Y’know what, I don’t think I like this middle class lark.
No, and I don’t think I could bear living with scum like you.
I don’t blame ya… Oogh! Thanks guvnor.


Oh I’m so glad that I’m middle class,
with my own set of teeth and fingernails,
cultivating weeds to eat for my tea,
that is no life for me.

Oh I’m so glad that I’m working class,
tap water sandwiches and not whistling in tune,
dying young, hey, that’s my idea of fun,
that is the life for me.

That’s the life for me.

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Montage

I talked to my baby on the telephone, long distance,
Hong Kong, ding dong, hello?
I never really guessed I could miss someone so bad, yeah.

We only really met about a week ago,
I know it in my head but in my heart I know,
that I love her,
I’m hoping that I’ll never recover,
Cause she’s good to me,
and it would really make me happy,
to never let her slip away.

Sometimes when we touch,
the *** seems too much,
I want to hold you until the fear in me subsides.

I can’t live, if living is without you,
I can’t give, I can’t give any more,
I can’t live, if living is without you ,
I can’t give, live, give, live, give, live,
I can’t give any more.

I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts,
there they are standing in a row,
small and brown and hairy,
some are a little bit scary,
so get me to the church on time.

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Wensleydale Cheese

We crashed last night at teatime,
just as they were serving a light meal,
the pilot’s dead, or so he said, when we buried him.

As we look around the wreckage,
we recognise some of the faces,
the drummer’s dead, or so he said, when we asked him.

But at least we’ve got our guitars,
two cool krauts emerging from the fuselage,
yes, we’ve got our guitars,
and now we wish to play them as we are rock stars.

This has gotta be one of God’s coldest places,
I think we better sleep in our guitar cases,
the roadie’s not breathing, the bass player’s bleeding,
but it’s on the backing singers that we shall be feeding.

But at least we’ve got our guitars,
two cool krauts emerging from the fuselage,
yes we’ve got our guitars,
and we’ll play and we’ll play,
and we’ll play and we’ll play,
and we’ll play… ’til we die.

View Wensleydale Cheese
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